Saturday, May 23, 2015

In a vacuum

                               Is anyone there...!

Experiencing midlife crisis is not out of the blue for me at this stage.

I find myself in disappointing mode of one-third in my life and the rest part is less disappointing. This is my ultimate achievement that I can describe.

First break up jolted me. It was a major tremor on my heart and mind. My brain lost control and like a break fail vehicle I started running fast without any idea of the way I was on!

Sometimes, it was like a dog chasing car. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it.

Questions were inked on blank papers which I used to carry near my pillow and answers were always there. I recall a day when I purchased a new Cardboard for me as I gifted my old to her. I suggested her to write her problems there and she will automatically get all answers.

I have had so many experiences of counter with diversity of moments, mostly bad, worse, worst…

I can drive it but cannot avoid occasional accidents which regularly take place in Mumbai Local, Taxi, Office Meeting, News Room and even when I remain alone in my room and receiving a phone call or chatting on whatsapp with someone.

Mistakes and Blunders!

Tried so many times to organize everything in my life but this is possible only when you have complete space to accommodate things which are there. If things continue to come out of the blue you cannot accommodate after a certain period of time, isn’t it!

Being thrilled most of the times due to several counters at a time, I feel a hidden power with me!

I feel that most of the time I find myself in unfamiliar territory. I have changed many things in the last few years but I wish I could change it back, at least few of them.

I used to wake up lonely and prepare myself for the journey ahead whole day. Journey ends at late night when I’m pushed in a badly packed local by mob, heading towards Asangaon, Ambarnath, Kalyan, Karjat, Dombiwai, Titwala or Thane. My eyes seem to be senseless till three stations until and unless announcement made, ‘’Next Station is Kurla”, I take a breath and prepare move towards gate.

Doordarshan seems to be comfort zone but after Modi emergence and his extra focus on DD, now it turned into a “Maximum work, minimum workers” like factory. Step out from DD is need of the hour but all doors are closed until and unless one has contacts and well-placed sources, what I don’t have.

Where is my self-confidence? There’s nothing that destroys self-confidence more than succumbing to fear. I feel helpless most of the times due to having no people and resources around. From water to information, I have to depend on others. Zero savings! Zero people! Zero resources! The fact, the reason why I’m scared of confronting my fears.

Practically, we want approval of others despite feeling by heart. Abraham Lincoln said everyone wants a compliment! He was right.

Acknowledging enemies is the first step to their defeat. My News diary was stolen from my office immediate before hearing on Salman Khan Hit and Run Case, I was tracking from last one year. It was a major setback for me, not because I had not copied text anywhere else but just because it was indicating that someone hates me at this high level that he/she has Zero Mercy for me.

Sometimes waves knock me down and I remain silent like a patient in Coma. I witness but unable to react.

Writing is the medicine when I feel weak. I used to write in all bad times in my life. I remember my first hurting breakup which I sustained with my pen and paper. I translated all my emotions in words and put it before me on paper because I had no one around me to ask the solutions. I still love to write but most of the times now I feel unable to translate my feelings accurately. The reason is still missing!

What is the problem?

The problem is my existence and my anguish to exist in a society always as a man of difference, where existence requires sacrifices of all kinds. You can dedicatedly work with honesty; still you would need something for existence. That something may contain anything and that anything can confuse you and you don’t know the formula to solve that confusion, is a problem, in fact.    

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