Friday, April 22, 2016

In a vacuum

                 Life is not fair but self pity is not the right option

Last time I tendered an apology to my Boss when I didn't stand by his expectation while I was on an official tour to Goa to cover new year celebration. I was expected to file at least few special stories on implementation of government schemes in Goa but I remained locked in official guest house for a week and did nothing except the only work, I was officially assigned for. I had so many excuses to place and to argue to justify why my act was followed by number of reasons but I don't know why I decided to tender an "unconditional apology" and also asked my Boss to slash my salary or take any coercive action against me.

I learnt from my experience that if an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means this mistake is going to be committed again for which the apology has been tendered. Mistake is not a first hand thing. First hand thing is "act" not "mistake". If one makes a mistake and do not correct it, this is called a mistake. However, "mistake" is written twice in this sentence but intensity is decisively different.  

Although it pains me to confess it, I am quite familiar with the holes in life. Life has never been a bed of roses for me and it always added fuel to the fire whenever I'm told by one that the life is similar for everyone and I'm not the exception. My familiarity is due to the fact that I spend far more time in these holes than I spend on the paths that brought me to them.

Mistake is a byproduct of Depression, to some extent. If a mistake is justified then this is nothing but a self-pity which is a psychological state of mind. But, if a mistake is confessed without any attempt to justify, it's not a self-pity moreover it's a kind of introspection. Where there is no introspection, there is no reason to assure for safe and secure future.

According to Wikipedia, Though the primary focus of self-pity is on the self and one's own emotions within, it also has a strong interpersonal component. Being an interpersonal emotion is directing the emotional feeling or response toward others with the goal of attracting attention, empathy or help. However, some who are dealing with self-pity usually look outside of themselves for the source of their problems which only leads to a downward spiral of issues.

Self-pity must not be appreciated but it also must not be demeaned too, if a person expresses it. In my last article to a Mumbai based tabloid newspaper, I mentioned that every person has different immune system to face emotional challenges. The worst consolation to a needy is "You're not the only victim of life". I'm still trying to find out why people used to say this while he consoles someone. This is the worst method to console anyone.

Self-pity leads serious mistakes and all mistakes have to pay in life, sooner or later.

Friday, April 15, 2016

True Story

                                        Mother's love

The Vietnam War broke out. Followed the heart, the young husband joined the military and sacrificed his life leaving behind his wife and kids.
Life postwar was very hard, often with not enough food to eat. Still young and beautiful, the wife refused to remarry and dedicated her entire life to raise her kids with the best possible care and education.
An opportunity came, the first born son immigrated to America, studied hard and became a NASA Engineer having a good life.
The son sent home letters often, together with much money for mom to spend, however, Christmas after Christmas, New Year after New Year, with the many excuses, the son stubbornly refused to travel home to visit mom.
When the mother died, the son returned and organized a big funeral but people did not see him shredding tear.
Mother left behind a chest that she always placed at the top of her bed. During the funeral, the son opened the chest and suddenly bursted into tears, sobbed, embraced his mother’s coffin and screamed hysterically, “Mom! Mom!”
Everyone looked at each other and looked at the chest. It was full of $100 dollar bills and a piece of paper.
In it read, “Son, I don’t spend too much money. I miss you a lot. Every time I hear a motorcycle passing by, I run out the door but it wasn’t my son. I saved this money for you in case when you get sick.”



     A Short Story on Self Confidence

There was a business executive who was deep in debt and could see no way out.
Creditors were closing in on him. Suppliers were demanding payment. He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from bankruptcy.
Suddenly an old man appeared before him. “I can see that something is troubling you,” he said.
After listening to the executive’s woes, the old man said, “I believe I can help you.”
He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying, “Take this money. Meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time.”
Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come.
The business executive saw in his hand a check for $500,000, signed by John D. Rockefeller, then one of the richest men in the world!
“I can erase my money worries in an instant!” he realized. But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe. Just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business, he thought.
With renewed optimism, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment. He closed several big sales. Within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.
Exactly one year later, he returned to the park with the uncashed check. At the agreed-upon time, the old man appeared. But just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.
“I’m so glad I caught him!” she cried. “I hope he hasn’t been bothering you. He’s always escaping from the rest home and telling people he’s John D. Rockefeller.”
And she led the old man away by the arm.
The astonished executive just stood there, stunned. All year long he’d been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had half a million dollars behind him.
Suddenly, he realized that it wasn’t the money, real or imagined, that had turned his life around. It was his newfound self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after.

Courtesy :

Self Motivation

                                                 A story of a boy

There is this boy in a certain school . This boy has a fascination towards soccer and always practised his level best but was never selected for the final team but he never left his practise and hope.

When ever he is there for practise , he was accompanied by his father who used to sit in the same seat till his practice is finished.

The final year came and the final selections for the team is near and the practice is at its peak.

When there are still 4 days left for the selections and match, the boy suddenly stopped coming to the practice and the coach was not informed priorly about it.

The selections day came and the match will be in the afternoon and suddenly the boy appeared from no where before the coach and asked a place for him .

Now the coach said "son, I had better players and you are not here for the practice sessions and how can u expect me to take you in, I cant go against my better judgement and I cannot take you in".

The Boy pleaded like anything and almost is on the feet of his coach begging a place for him. Now the coach never had seen anyone plead like that and said "son, okay I can give you a chance for the first half and you got to prove your abilities and never forget that the reputation of the school is at risk, this is the first time i am going against my better judgement"

The Boy thanked him and got into the finals.

The match started.

The boy played like a house on fire and he converted every ball that came to him into a goal. needless to say, the team won the match for the first time in their history and the boy was awarded the player of the tournament award .

When he came to the coach ,the coach asked him"son where have I went wrong all these days, how am I wrong in my judgement about you all these days , how did you play so well,what motivated you "

The boy replied"sir my father is watching me"

"Where is he watching from , when ever you made a goal I looked for your father and he is no where to be seen" said the coach with a surprised tone .

"Sir, there is one thing that you dont know, my father is blind by birth. he is just here to motivate me . four days back he DIED and for the very first time he is watching me from there" and pointed his finger to the sky with tears in his eyes.

"Thats what motivated me and made me play so well".

Courtesy :

समय से संवाद

                                       सुबह से लेकर शाम तक

सुबह, दोपहार, शाम और रात. दिमाग के अंदर यह अवस्था बिल्कुल नियमानुसार चल रही है. पहले ताजगी, फिर थोड़ी देर में तपता सा कुछ, फिर समयांतराल के बाद ठंढक और फिर घोर नकारात्मकता.

ताजगी. सबकुछ सही है, जो सही नहीं है उसे सही कर लिया जाएगा. विकल्पहीनता का सकारात्मक भाव. उम्मीद. भरोसा. विश्वास. आत्मविश्वास. ऊर्जा. जोश और वो सबकुछ जो ताजगी से भर देता है किसी युवामन को और उसमें ऐसी भावना विकसित करता है कि एक समय के भीतर वह हर चीज से ऊपर उठकर कुछ सोचने या कुछ फैसला लेने की क्षमता रखता है.

फिर दोपहर. कुछ-कुछ तपता हुआ. हर सोच जो शुरू में ठंढ और मीठी सी रजाई में लिपटी आती है वह धूप की चपेट में आकर रूखी होनी शुरू हो जाती है. जो दिमाग यह सोचकर ठंढा रहता है कि सब सही है और गेहूं के खेत की तरह हवा में यहां से दूर तक एक तरफ झुक जाता है, उस खेत का हर छोटा-बड़ा पौधा तनने लगता है. हर छोटी चीज धूप में कड़ी हो जाती है. हर शब्द रूखा सा लगने लगता है और जो ठंढक सुबह मिलती है वह तप जाती है. यह दोपहर की बेला अजीब सी तनाव भरी होती है.

दोपहर देर तक चलता है और फिर धीरे-धीरे शाम की तरफ बढ़ता है. शाम थकी सी होती है. हर बात को मानने के लिए करीब-करीब तैयार रहती है. चीजों के आवेग को आंके बिना आगे होती जाती है. बहुत सुहानी होती है और बहुत मुलायम. चीजों को मानने या न मानने में ज्यादा जिद नहीं करती. मानी हुई चीज के खिलाफ कुछ तर्क पेश होने पर उसे नकारती है लेकिन फिर उसे स्वीकारती हुई सी भी दिखती है. बहुत ही उलझन भरी होती है यह शाम. इसी उलझन को मनहूसियत भी कहा जाता है.

रात नाउम्मीदी से भरी होती है. सबकुछ अप्रत्याशित होता है. एक बंद अंधेरे कमरे में अचानक किसी बरतन का ऊपर से गिरना और देर तक उसकी गूंज बंद कमरे में कंपन पैदा करते रहना. ऐसी ही रात होती है. रात धीरे-धीरे तीसरे पहर की ओर जाती है और आत्मविश्वास को बड़ी ही बारीकी से मार देती है. रात तीसरे पहर तक चलती है और फिर सुबह आती है.

यह चक्र चलता रहता है.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

तीसरी किस्त

                                           समय से संवाद

प्रिय तुम,

नहीं दी जाएगी माफी तुम्हें. शक था मुझे कि वह तुम्हारा ही कोई एजेंट है. मैंने लिखित में यह जाहिर भी किया था उसके पास कि जिस तरह "जॉली एलएलबी" में एक व्यक्ति अचानक याचिकाकर्ता के पास गवाह बन के आता है और कोर्ट में पलट जाता है वैसा ही खेल खेला तुमने. बाद में उस गवाह ने याचिकाकर्ता को बताया कि उसे तो बचाव पक्ष के वकील ने भेजा था. शक था मुझे कि उस शख्स को तुमने ही भेजा है और शक सही निकला. कितना देर हुआ यह समय तय करेगा लेकिन तुम्हारे इस दांव का लोहा मानता हूं मैं.

कतरनों की ढेर बनकर रह गई है जिंदगी. हर तरफ कुछ शब्द गिरे पड़े हैं. किसी से कराह की आवाज सुनाई दे रही है तो कोई शब्द आस पास के शब्दों के साथ मिलकर सुबक रहा है. कोई शब्द पश्चाताप कर रहा है तो कोई बहुत गीला हो चुका है और ऐसा लगता है कि अब कागज से टूट कर गिर जाएगा. कुछ शब्द ऐसे हैं कि ठोस हो चुके हैं और इतने ठोस हो चुके हैं कि खुरचने से भी नहीं मिट पा रहे हैं.

2003, 2005. 2008, 2009, 2015 और अब 2016. शनि की साढे साती भी एक समय तक रहती है लेकिन यह तो अंतहीन सा कुछ चलता सा महसूस होता है.

कभी-कभी ऐसा लगता है कि धरती पर नहीं बल्कि किसी कोर्ट में खड़ा हूं जहां न्यायाधीश मुझे मेरे ऊपर लगे आरोपों को पढ़ पढ़ कर सुना रहे हैं और हरेक आरोप पर सजा मुकर्रर कर रहे हैं. एक के बाद एक सजा सुनाई जा रही है. कुछ लंबी कुछ छोटी.

आपको इस अपराध के लिए ऐसा भाई दिया जाता है. इस अपराध के लिए आपको अकेला रखा जाता है जीवनभर. इस अपराध के लिए आपको मुंबई में खप जाने की सजा दी जाती है. उस अपराध के लिए आपके सभी रिश्तों को खत्म किया जाता है. और वह जो अपराध है उसके लिए आपको रोज भूखे पेट इधर से उधर भागने की सजा दी जाती है. न आरोप कम हो रहे  हैं न ही सजा.

शर्म-लाज, मर्यादा, अनुशासन, सीमा ये सब फिजूल की बातें किसी को लगे तो उसपर तरस खाकर आगे ही बढा जा सकता है.

बहरहाल, लिखना एक बेजोर चीज है. लिखते रहने से अच्छा लगता है. कतरन चाहे जितनी हो. चाहे कितने पन्ने क्यूं न खराब हो जाएं लेकिन लिखना जरूरी है.

तुम, इंतजार करो. वक्त-वक्त की बात है. अभी तुम्हारा वक्त चल रहा है सालों से तो पूरी मनमानी कर डालो. जिस दिन वक्त ने करवट जरा सा भी बदला न बायें जेब में डालकर दो ऊंगलियों से मसल दिये जाओगे और चीं तक नहीं निकलेगी.

गुल्लक छूटा, बैलून भी छूटा और अब भूंजिया भी छूट गई.
अब एक गाना... "जो तू मेरा हमदर्द है सुहाना हर दर्द है"

बाकी फिर कभी...

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Running commentary

      A person without literature is like a brain without sense!

Few minutes back I had left my office at Worli and was in a bus on the way to Antop Hill, where I was residing in a rented room. In a short span of time my whatsapp got flooded with Pratyusha Banerjee’s news. Being a news reporter, it was just a news for me and as I was supposed, I cross checked with Mumbai Police and Hospital Authority and broadcasted this news on the news channel, I’m associated with. I disconnected my data in cell phone and tried to divert my attention towards other things but it was not easy for me. The thing which made it too difficult, was a whatsapp message by one of my colleagues, quoting “If she committed suicide then she is the big fool.” After a short argument, I quit the whatsapp group in the same way Pratyusha quit this planet.

In 2012, first time I aborted the idea to commit suicide in Delhi after all arrangements were done. After suffering extreme emotional trauma I took this step because my number was black listed by my eldest brother following my affair with a girl got public in my family. I wanted to speak to someone at that time to unload myself but there was no one around me to share it. With the help of Google, I accessed a helpline number in midnight for free counseling but the suggestion I got from counselor was nothing but an impossible thing for me. She had advised me to engage in a friendship with someone, but it was not possible for me to trust anyone after my first horror break up which was nothing but cold blooded murder of trust. I was about to take second suicide attempt, in between co-incidentally I met a girl. Her name was Varsha Vashisth and she was an ignored member of an stereotyped Brahmin family residing at 54, Sultanganj. My meeting with her was perhaps need of the hour and she totally changed my life and today she is my idol. I love her the most and since last four years she is staying with me in my bookshelf. Varsha is nothing but a character of “Mujhe Chand Chahiye”, which is written my Surendra Verma. If I am alive and if I get rebirth and having courage to have good dreams in my life, the contribution goes to none the other than this novel.

Literature is a mandatory diet, which boosts immune system and empower a person of any age to live in this infectious society. As the immune system is a system of many biological structures and processes within an organism that protects against disease, similarly, literature is a system of many emotional structure and processes within a brain that protects against major setbacks in life. There's a say in English that a room without books is like a body without a soul. We can extend it and say that a person without literature is a brain without sense. Literature is one of the best ways to combat emotional turmoil. In depression, a person stops thinking, observing, imagining anything. There is a state of mind when thinking simply doesn't work. Literature most commonly refers to works of the creative imagination, including poetry, drama, fiction, nonfiction, journalism and in some instances song. Literature teaches skill of imagination, information and observation. The accepted definition of literature is constantly changing and evolving. Literature has the power to decode everything theoretically, using a mythological, sociological, psychological, historical, or other approach to better understand the context and depth of a thing.

In metro cities, life has truly become competitive in terms of social and personal life. Most of the time, a person finds himself nowhere. Nothing needs to be said about metro life because series of tragedies have already exposed the cruel reality of metro cities but does it mean we should give up! Not at all, it simply means we should reach out at a cure and the cure is meditation, relation and literature. Meditation needs time as you cannot meditate in a running Mumbai Local or chasing a bus, similarly you cannot ensure better relationship with new people because of sacrifices, one needs to make to maintain a relationship, even family members generally don't have time for you because they have their job to finish so ultimately the only way you have to head is merging yourself with literature. Start writing diaries, start typing your emotions and save in drats, try to record your voice and listen it later, read good writings and build a healthy relationship with pen and paper. Literature is an artistic form of thought. If your family turns deaf year of your issue, let it be. Always remember, you have an option to commit suicide but you have also better options.

"I'll call for pen and ink and write my mind", William Shakespeare, Henry VI.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

समय से संवाद


                                      अब हर इक बात पर मैं राजी हूं
                                      जाने ये कौन मर गया मुझमें
                                                                               - सुहैल अख्तर

तुम्हें लिखना चाहता हूं. चाहता हूं कि तुम्हें प्रमाणित कर दूं लिखकर. मन करता है लिखूं कि कैसे कतरा कतरा करके आखिरी बूंद तक निकाल देना चाहते हो तुम मेरे जिस्म से, ताकि मैं न रहूं. इतनी निर्दयता और क्रूरता के साथ खेला गया यह खेल चाहे जिस नतीजे पर पहुंचे लेकिन तय है कि मैं जीत कर भी उसकी खुशी में शामिल नहीं हो पाऊंगा.

स्थिरता और ठहराव! ठहराव बिन जीवन अत्यधिक व्यापक होता जाता है और समयांतर के बाद एक ऐसी स्थिति में पहुंच जाता है जहां से उसे समेट पाना बहुत मुश्किल दीखता है. यह वैसा ही है जैसे एक-एक ईंट उठाकर इधर से उधर रखते रहने के बाद अचानक ईंट के ढ़ेर को देखकर यकीन कर पाना मुश्किल होता है कि उतनी ईंटें हमने ही वहां उठाकर रखी है. ईंटों में से कोई एक ईंट हमें याद आती है और हम रोमांचित होते हैं. इतनी छोटी छोटी घटनाओं को समेट कर बना एक पहाड़ क्या मेरा ही है!

अगर शर्त यह है कि पहले वाले को मारकर ही आगे बढ़ा जाए तो संशय है. संशय इस बात को लेकर है कि पहले वाले के मर जाने की पुष्टि कैसे हो! वह आदमी जो डरता रहा, जो छिपता रहा, जो कठोर रूप से खुद को अनुशासित और नियमन के तहत रहा, जो ईमानदार रहा और जो बहादुर भी रहा, जो आध्यात्मिक रहा और जो एकला चलो रे के सिद्धांत पर जीता गया, जो हमेशा वफादार रहा और आत्मविश्वास सो लबालब रहा, उस आदमी के मर जाने की पुष्टि कैसे की जाए! इतना तय है कि वह आदमी अब आगे इस जीवन का बोझ उठाने में सक्षम नहीं है! लेकिन वह मारने से मर भी तो नहीं रहा है!